Chief 

Chief 

Acrylic painting I did for a co-worker whose dog recently passed away. 

  

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Lily Mae

Lily Mae

Ever since I lost my own little ones I find it very difficult to welcome new little ones into my life. Before August 4th 2011 I would have been the first in line at the hospital to welcome a new baby, first one to want to hold them and ogle over how beautiful they are and congratulate the new parents and grandparents. Now I don’t even go to the hospital, dread seeing photos on Facebook and avoid the new parents and grandparents. I feel hardened, cold, heartless and jealous. I want my old self back. I wanted to be strong enough to go and welcome my first niece into this world…but I wasn’t. I was calm on the outside and screaming on the inside.

I’m not ready. Not ready to see my parents holding a new grandchild. It is such a huge trigger of emotions. All I can think about is my parents holding our lifeless babies. I hate that I caused them so much pain.

Part of me feels like when I accept and welcome a new baby into my life I am replacing my baby girls. I know this is not the case at all…nonetheless the feeling is there and it’s hard to shrug off.

I hate this new hardened self I’ve become.

I do want to be as close to Lily as I am to Johnathan…it will just take some time to get used to. I really tried to turn my feelings around. I even made these paintings with Johnathan the night before his little sister arrived. I had some blank canvases lying around and dug out my old acrylic craft paints and let him go at it!

 

And how the hell do you start again? If you have suffered (especially your first pregnancy) a miscarriage, still birth or infant death…how do you get to that next step of trying again? Although my situation was so rare, it doesn’t stop me from thinking it will happen again. I know I will regret not trying to have kids again. But I also know it will absolutely kill me to lose another baby. The doctor said my chances are still the same as every other woman of having a miscarriage. One in six. ONE IN SIX!

How do you even enjoy a second pregnancy after a loss? Will the kicking and morning sickness just be another trigger of emotions? How do you sleep at night knowing something could go wrong again?

Cock-a-doodle-do!

Cock-a-doodle-do!

For the past week or two I have been hearing this loud noise that sounds like a dying cat. There are a ton of cats around here (and yes I have named them all) so I would check outside to make sure there were no cat fights going on. Nothing. So I just dismissed the noise…until on our afternoon walk Patty almost had herself a nice chicken dinner! Apparently the people at the end of our street decided it was a good idea to buy a rooster and some hens! The rooster had gotten out of the yard and was in the middle of the street as Patty and I walked by! Patty lunged with all her strength nearly ripping my arm out of its socket! It scared the crap out of me haha.  It’s always an adventure around here.

Speaking of Roosters, my grandparents bought this ceramic rooster at a flea market in Florida and asked me to paint it for them.

I cleaned him up, painted him with acrylic paints and finished up with some indoor/outdoor protection spray.

In case you were curious what I have named the neighborhood cats here my list:

Holly – my loving grey tiger cat

Shitty Kitty – our skittish black cat who hates my fiancé (she earned this name by having liquid diarrhea the weekend we adopted her…)

Garfield – fat orange cat

Mini Garfield – skinny orange cat

Holly Clone – mini Holly

Creamy – looks like a creamsicle (definitely a MALE since I caught him “marking” our side porch)

S. Kitty Clone – I actually pet this cat on our back porch thinking it was S. Kitty and realized our cat doesn’t have white feet!

Michael Jackson – black and white

Cow – fat black and white cat

Charlie – fat dark grey cat that Patty almost attacked one day on our daily walk

Phoebe – mama grey and white

Scrawny – baby grey and white

Snowman – all white

Tobey – long haired tiger  

Dinner – our new rooster friend

Children’s Room Murals

Children’s Room Murals

I would really like to get back into painting murals and since we just booked our Honeymoon Cruise this morning I could use the extra cash 🙂

My mom asked me for some photos last week and I realized most of the murals I have done were before I started this blog so I thought I would post some murals of the past. These were all done in children’s bedrooms.