Nursery mural for my dear friends and their beautiful daughter!
Ever since I lost my own little ones I find it very difficult to welcome new little ones into my life. Before August 4th 2011 I would have been the first in line at the hospital to welcome a new baby, first one to want to hold them and ogle over how beautiful they are and congratulate the new parents and grandparents. Now I don’t even go to the hospital, dread seeing photos on Facebook and avoid the new parents and grandparents. I feel hardened, cold, heartless and jealous. I want my old self back. I wanted to be strong enough to go and welcome my first niece into this world…but I wasn’t. I was calm on the outside and screaming on the inside.
I’m not ready. Not ready to see my parents holding a new grandchild. It is such a huge trigger of emotions. All I can think about is my parents holding our lifeless babies. I hate that I caused them so much pain.
Part of me feels like when I accept and welcome a new baby into my life I am replacing my baby girls. I know this is not the case at all…nonetheless the feeling is there and it’s hard to shrug off.
I hate this new hardened self I’ve become.
I do want to be as close to Lily as I am to Johnathan…it will just take some time to get used to. I really tried to turn my feelings around. I even made these paintings with Johnathan the night before his little sister arrived. I had some blank canvases lying around and dug out my old acrylic craft paints and let him go at it!
And how the hell do you start again? If you have suffered (especially your first pregnancy) a miscarriage, still birth or infant death…how do you get to that next step of trying again? Although my situation was so rare, it doesn’t stop me from thinking it will happen again. I know I will regret not trying to have kids again. But I also know it will absolutely kill me to lose another baby. The doctor said my chances are still the same as every other woman of having a miscarriage. One in six. ONE IN SIX!
How do you even enjoy a second pregnancy after a loss? Will the kicking and morning sickness just be another trigger of emotions? How do you sleep at night knowing something could go wrong again?